I watched American Idol the other day, probably the second time in my whole life and there was this guy on the show singing a song called “Breakeven” by The Script. I can’t get it out of my head and I think mainly because I have been/am still the bad guy that song talks about. I am the reason someone is hurting.
Knowing that is not easy on me and knowing that the person doesn’t understand that I can’t change the circumstances, makes it a lot worse. I wish there was a way I could make things all better for him. My intentions were not for anyone to get hurt. I don’t regret the decision I made in the past, I just regret not handling it better.
It bothers me a lot when I realize that I’m the jerk. I’m the one that moved on and I’m not struggling as bad as the other person. One of the hardest parts is not knowing if you should just go away completely or try to stay in the person life. Honestly, I think the person would be better off if I just disappeared. I’ve actually gotten rather good at disappearing when the situation gets bad. I think its how I handled most of the bad things in my life, I’d just go away.
People always say I have good coping skills. I don’t think that’s true at all. I think I have good duck and cover skills. I developed this way of thinking when I was young that most things can’t be fixed. So instead of even trying, just push them away until they are forgotten. Then you don’t have to worry about it anymore.
I even tried to do this when Don died. I tried to push it all away into a corner that I could just forget about and move on. I wasn’t very successful and the only thing that happened was me having a meltdown and taking a lot longer to get on the right track again. He didn’t deserve to be pushed away and the meltdown was what I deserved for even trying. Since then, I’ve tried to cope in a more healthy way. It doesn’t always work. In fact, I have yet to find a fool-proof way to cope with things in a responsible way. I always seem to go down in a fiery crash.
I’ve been writing this post for a bit now and I’m not sure I’m going to publish it. I haven’t really said much but I’m afraid to admit that I’m not as together as people think. I love my kid and my niece. With all of my heart and I do the very best that I can to ensure that they have a good life. I think my main problem is that I have developed this stone skin and I’ve turned into the Mominator (New word…should be in the dictionary soon I think). I don’t let people in because I’m afraid that if I break down and allow people to see me sad or upset, that it will somehow compromise my ability to take care of my kids. My rational mind knows that this isn’t true, but then the part of my brain that is normally in control takes over and makes me fear any kind of break in the wall that I’ve built up.
Its easier to write on here, even though it links to my Facebook. I’m confident in knowing that most people don’t read this stuff anyway and those that do, know that I’m full of shit and shouldn’t listen to my babbling anyway.