I try to remember what it was like before I had Natalie (I’ve given up on nicknames, they were weird even to me) and who I was as a person. I’m not doing this because I don’t want to be a mom or I look back on those days in longing. I’m doing this because I want to see if I’ve grown as a person. Have I made myself better or worse?
To be honest, I don’t really remember much about the time before I became Natalie’s mom. I’m not sure I’m missing much by not remembering either. I don’t think I was a bad person or a good person for that matter, I just wasn’t much of anything at all.
I don’t know what the point of trying to remember this time is or even why I’m blogging about it. I just hope that I’ve progressed since then. I know that having Natalie has changed my life. She has made me worry about my future and her’s. I care what she thinks of me; I especially don’t want her to be ashamed or embarrassed of me. Someone once told me that I write on this blog, my facebook statuses ad any status for that matter because I crave attention. I want people to tell me the truth, even if I don’t want to hear it. Again, thats something thats been up for debate.
I’m babbling now and I know it. I’m exhausted and not sleeping because I’m sick. I’m also very whiney it would seem. I’m going to try and make a point to all of this. I know I’m not a perfect person and I don’t expect people to call me one or pretend that I’m one. I love my daughter and I’m glad she came around. I hope I make her proud and she realizes how much I love her.