I have my first clinical day tomorrow and of course I can’t sleep. Yesterday I had no problem sleeping and I even woke super early. Now I am sitting in front of my iPad trying to figure out what I want to talk about. Of course, I’m drawing a blank. Nothing new there.
By starting a new blog. It’s not actually a blog, more like a journal, so really no different than this one. I’ve been doing some research and I came across something’s that said journaling every day and trying to dive into issues you normally wouldn’t talk about is a good thing. My problem is, the issues I normally don’t talk about are ones I’m not comfortable taking about with anyone else but that I KNOW I need to talk about. So a suggestion I came across was to blog anonymously.
I’m hesitant about this whole anonymous thing. Is there actually a way to be anonymous on the Internet anymore? Some of the things I want to discuss, I wouldn’t want people seeing. Well not until I was comfortable with them seeing them, if that time ever came. So I’m not so sure this is a good thing and I’m going to start slow at first.
I know that getting your problems out there helps but I don’t want to be thought of as someone who whines or wants attention for the problems. I just want them out of my head. I think it would be a way to validate and move on.
No pictures for this post, too early in the morning.
I’ve officially made it through the holidays! (Yes, I know New Year’s hasn’t happened but generally there is no family involved with that.) This year actually went surprising well, with little to no drama other than a person who doesn’t think before she speaks. I’m rather pleased with the outcome.
Natalie got the American Girl Doll she has wanted forever (actually for only about two months. Which is really weird because she’s never wanted any doll of any sort before) and Grace got good old cash. Which is something she really wanted.
I got a car stereo for Christmas which I installed myself (surprised even me, I figured I would be in the market for a new car) and I’m extremely happy because now I can hook my iPhone up to it without having to find a radio station for my stupid FM transmitter thing. Now, I’m just sitting at the house waiting for school to start and grateful that I have a few more weeks without it. Even though I’m going insane with how bored I am.
Over the holidays a few topics on religion have came up. Mostly about how people are thankful for their religion and how they are celebrating their particular beliefs in their own ways. I love speaking to people about their beliefs and don’t mind even discussing my own as long as the topic doesn’t get heated and hate isn’t spewed. Unfortunately, I think for a lot of people it’s hard not to get into a heated debate over ones own beliefs and that is what turns most people off from discussing it at all.
For me one discussion didn’t turn out so great and there was intolerance being thrown from both sides of the table. These are the discussions I hate the most. They typically involve two people who feel their way is the only way and anyone else is either dumb or an awful person. Even though I didn’t actively participate in the conversation and instead stood to the side trying to keep the blood shed to a minimum, I noticed that it wasn’t just one side being guilty of intolerance but BOTH sides. To me this is counter productive for both parties and a giant waste of time.
The most common argument I see is for religious freedom and it seems most people are stating they want it. Where it becomes a problem is when people are asking for religious freedom but don’t understand that it means for everyone and every religion, not just for them and their religion. People ask for prayer in school but don’t want other religions to be able to practice their own form of prayer and worship. How does this even make sense to people? Why does it seem okay to call yourself a religious person and then practice hate and intolerance? It doesn’t seem to me (and I am by no means an expert on religion) that intolerance and hate is taught in any religion. So why does this make you a good practitioner if your own religion condemns it?
I don’t really have anything to say and no pictures to post but I haven’t posted in so long. Most of the blame for that is I’m actually trying to better in school and I don’t really have time. The other thing is my life has become so out of whack. Chaotic is an understatement. My life isn’t the only thing that has become chaotic since I last posted, apparently the world has become seriously (more so than before, I suppose) messed up.
The school shootings in Connecticut effected me horribly as I know it did most people. People say it’s because I’m a mom but I don’t think that’s it. I think like the rest of the world, I was in shock and couldn’t understand how any of this could be happening. I wish there was more I could say. Some way to express my feelings about what happened. I honestly just don’t know how. I’m just so glad for my kids.
My life has been pretty boring lately. I always seem to be studying or taking a test. On top of all that I seem to have developed a bug that just won’t go away and I am either vomiting or in bed thinking about vomiting. On a good note, I’m done with school until after the holidays and I passed everything. So I’m not a complete failure, just a giant bore.
This gallery contains 10 photos.
I try to remember what it was like before I had Natalie (I’ve given up on nicknames, they were weird even to me) and who I was as a person. I’m not doing this because I don’t want to be a mom or I look back on those days in longing. I’m doing this because I want to see if I’ve grown as a person. Have I made myself better or worse?
To be honest, I don’t really remember much about the time before I became Natalie’s mom. I’m not sure I’m missing much by not remembering either. I don’t think I was a bad person or a good person for that matter, I just wasn’t much of anything at all.
I don’t know what the point of trying to remember this time is or even why I’m blogging about it. I just hope that I’ve progressed since then. I know that having Natalie has changed my life. She has made me worry about my future and her’s. I care what she thinks of me; I especially don’t want her to be ashamed or embarrassed of me. Someone once told me that I write on this blog, my facebook statuses ad any status for that matter because I crave attention. I want people to tell me the truth, even if I don’t want to hear it. Again, thats something thats been up for debate.
I’m babbling now and I know it. I’m exhausted and not sleeping because I’m sick. I’m also very whiney it would seem. I’m going to try and make a point to all of this. I know I’m not a perfect person and I don’t expect people to call me one or pretend that I’m one. I love my daughter and I’m glad she came around. I hope I make her proud and she realizes how much I love her.
My week hasn’t been very exciting. I got sick on Friday and had some serious dehydration. Doctor recommended that I sit and drink water all day long. I instead went to a park and hiked to find nice spaces to take pictures.
I’ve realized that school pictures are extremely expensive and you don’t get that many. One thing I love more than anything is lots of pictures of my kids. I would just like to be able to afford them. So I’ve decided to try taking some of my own.
I don’t think I’m an expert or even really good at this but I don’t think they look that bad. I enjoy editing and right now my skill in taking the picture itself isn’t so great but I seem to be able to edit okay. Well, using a good program seems to help. I downloaded Gimp and its pretty awesome once I figured out how to use it.