Neglecting myself

I feel like I’m neglecting myself. I’ve been meaning to post but I just haven’t felt like doing much of anything. I’m not depressed or anything, at least I don’t feel that way. I’m just sort of blah. I’m blah because I don’t feel like I’m living up to what I expect out of myself and that needs to change; quickly.

I even feel like I’m letting myself down by not blogging. Its turned more into a journal than a blog. Its also helped a lot. It helps keep me on track and keep me grounded. Especially knowing that other people may read and see what I’ve been doing or not doing.

I think I have moved on from posting depressing things. But for the last week I’ve found myself in a rut. I think I’m getting stressed about nursing school. I don’t like how the conversion from quarters to semesters has forced us to retake classes. People literally think we’ve failed. That’s hard for a person like me, not that its easy for anyone.

I’m an avid reader. I read all the time but this last semester I haven’t been able to read the books for school. As I type all of this I realize that a lot of my issues this semester go back to the way we had to repeat these classes. It just feels like we got pushed back. We got a bum deal and there is literally nothing we can do about it. Our only options are to continue with the class or drop out and wait for another school to let you in.

I know I’m babbling now. I’m tired but I needed to write something, get something down so I could read it later and see that I could have been a lot more productive if I would have opened a school book instead of turning on my iPad.

Depends on which way you’re standing.

This picture is of Squarepants falling down the slide after she tried to run up it. Someone has definitely put something in the water around here. I’ve spent the majority of the night staring at the children with my mouth open, incapable of responding. I’m actually a bit scared.

We spent about an hour outside and the two of them went completely nuts. Squarepants tried to slide down the slide but what she forgot is she is 5’8″ and it didn’t work out so well. But at least she was out there playing.

Then BBG tried to swing so high that it would flip over the top. I think all of us have tried this at one point but it really made me wonder what her plan was going to be after it flipped over the top and she was suspended upside down. I love them.

Then we came inside and jokingly asked Squarepants which hand was her right. She responded with “Depends which way you are standing.” Children sometimes…

When I thought they had both calmed down and nothing more could possibly happen. I walked into the bathroom, which wasn’t locked and found BBG taking a bath, with the puppy. They both looked at me like “Why is your face like that?” Because obviously it was the most normal thing in the world.

Nearly wordless Wednesday: I don’t get it.

I guess I understand the meaning, obviously you are more quite on your blog on Wednesday but what started it? I’ve tried to google it but all that pops up is post from people on Nearly Wordless Wednesday. This seems to be a big deal since there were a lot of hits on my search. Can someone feel sorry for me and explain to me what it is?

I feel like I’m lagging behind.

I feel like I did back in 2010, which isn’t a bad thing. I was more together back then. I felt like I knew where I belonged and where I was going. For the last couple years, I haven’t felt like that. I’ve felt lost, scared, alone and that I couldn’t do anything right. For almost two weeks, I’ve felt different, better but different.

I keep telling myself that school is worth it. It is!! Being a typically rational person I know that I need to stop procrastinating, stop reading other blogs, stop writing on my own blog and just study. I know tomorrow I’m going to pay for not studying and I’m going to feel awful. I will then make myself a promise (which I won’t keep) to study better and not get behind again (which I will). I’ve even gone as far as taking pictures of my book instead of opening it.

I’ve been doing research on how to make my blog better so maybe people will read it. I just really would like some input on whether other people are in the same situation as me. That is a hard task because I don’t even know what situation I am in. This almost sounds like I’m complaining but I’m really not. Outside of a few things like being a huge procrastinator, I’m in a pretty good place.

This is turning into a cooking and picture sharing blog.

Thats right! I posted a picture of spaghetti. Why you ask? (Actually we both know you don’t care.) Because it tasted amazing and made me forget I was actually eating spaghetti (which I hate). And apparently this blog is turning into a cooking and photo sharing blog which is not all my intention but I don’t exactly hate either.

Today hasn’t really had anything happen that would be interesting to post about but once again I’m procrastinating and not doing m homework. I’ve literally been watching TruTV for most of it and I’ve realized that almost everything on this channel is completely staged. I guess that explains their “Not reality. Actuality.” slogan. It makes me pretty sad that I’ve spent so much time today watching this stuff. I actually do kinda dig Hardcore pawn. I was a little leery about googling “hardcore pawn” for images but it didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would.

I am a master procrastinator!

I have so much homework that is due by the beginning of the week but I have done everything to avoid actually sitting down and finishing my task. I know better because once I get behind, its almost impossible to catch up. So why do I procrastinate? Because I’m really good at it.

1. I decided to take my niece and nephew today even though I knew I had homework.

2. I decided that playing outside for an hour was more beneficial than homework. I rationalized this by saying I needed a break from my homework break to get my second wind.

3. After we got done with that, I then sat down to do my homework but the kids wanted to watch Hop and who was I to keep something as important as an easter bunny movie in the middle of September?

4. Now that the movie is over, the kids are asleep and the house is quiet, I’m still not doing my homework. Why you ask? Because I haven’t blogged in two days! Who am I to deny the masses my highly entertaining yet no one reads it blog?

I Wear Pink for Hope!

Being in nursing school has been my dream for many years. I decided I wanted to be a nurse after watching Don go through all his treatment and seeing how important the nursing staff was to him and us. Like most people in nursing school, its an uphill battle and takes a lot of effort, time and determination. Just getting into the classes is painstakingly hard. Once you’ve accomplished that it only gets tougher from there.

I know how much I’ve struggled with my degree and how hard all of my classmates have struggled. We give our lives to this degree and sometimes make great sacrifices to meet our goal. I have a classmate named Hope who has become pretty ill and now is fighting an even harder battle, the battle against Breast Cancer. She has struggled just as much as all of us and hasn’t been given a great deck of cards.

Please take the time to read Hope’s blog about her struggle and her story.

Serenity now!

The last few days have been one long Seinfield moment. Baby Bird Girl is in soccer and she’s also at the age where she has lost all hearing except for her selective hearing. The combination of all this tuns me into George Constanza’s dad and I’m typically found curled into a ball on my bed muttering “Serenity now” and shaking uncontrollably. All of this to the delight of my daughter. She isn’t an evil kid by any stretch of the imagination, she just has a sense of humor that can be sort of evil (She gets it honest). Either way, sometimes I worry that she does this on purpose.

Saturday Night at 8:30pm

Me: Baby, go get all your soccer stuff ready.

Baby Bird Girl: I know where it all is, can I get it tomorrow before the game?

Me: Humor me and do as I say for once.

BBG: Finneee…

10 minutes later…

BBG: I can’t find my jersey, where did you put it?

Me: What do you mean where did I put it? I do the laundry and you put your clothes away.

BBG: I put it where it belongs and its not there.

Me: Oh yeah? Where does it belong?

BBG: In its place.

Me: Which is?

BBG: The place we put our soccer stuff.

Me: Ah ha.

One hour later after we have tore her room apart, Squarepant’s room apart and my room apart…

BBG: Hey mom, I think I took my jersey to school with me?

Me: Serenity now.

BBG: I don’t get it. Stop being weird.

We finally find the jersey which was in its new place to put the soccer stuff, her locker at school and she’s able to play her games in her actually uniform under her actual number. Having lost her jersey actually turned out a good thing because the coach put her in as the goalie because it would cover the lack of having the right jersey and right number because she would be covered in a huge blue goalie shirt and because of this, we now know she is an excellent goalie for being 9 years old. Granted I’m a tad bit bias.

She did ask me what serenity now meant and I showed her a few Seinfield clips on YouTube (Seinfield Serenity Now) and she proceeded to tell me how weird I was and she didn’t get it. I suppose it would be confusing to someone who doesn’t even know what serenity means.

Fast forward to today…

I’m at school taking a Spanish class and being a model student, so naturally I’m on Facebook. I see my notifications light up and BBG has posted on a picture I recently uploaded of her and Abbey.

Random Facebook Friend: They look made for each other.

BBG: No we are made for each other.

Me: She was talking about you goofy.

BBG: Serenity now!

She doesn’t even know what it means!!!

Suicide

I was going through my list of blogs that I like to read when I have some spare time, which is hardly ever and was actually not the case today, I was just procrastinating and avoiding homework. I came across a blog by The Bloggess which was discussing that today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I actually didn’t know they had a day for this and realized there are two extremely sad days together, World Suicide Prevention Day and 9/11.

I feel like I should write a blog today because I know how suicide effects people, I have first hand knowledge of the aftermath of suicide. Yet in a way, I feel I shouldn’t acknowledge it and let myself get upset over something that happened so many years ago. I don’t know how to even beginning writing about this because I’ve pushed it to the back of my mind for so many years. I think I’m just going to tell my story and see where that takes me.

When I was 17 my dad and his girlfriend both committed suicide within days of each other. I can’t honestly say I was close to my dad because he was gone most of my life and I definitely had no interest in his girlfriend but still the event was still pretty traumatic. Actually, I don’t know if traumatic is a good word for it; I think a better word would be in shock. I didn’t see it coming and I don’t think anyone really did.

My dad had been on a downward spiral for some time. He was released from prison two years prior to this and did well for about a year and a half but that last 6 months was the worse that he ever was. He was doing drugs, he was doing all kinds of illegal things and a lot worse. He never was the best dad but he seemed to never let that bother him either so when he killed himself I didn’t understand what had happened. When you think of people who commit suicide I suppose most people reference the basic stereotype of a depressed person with no friends, social outcast who didn’t know their place and thought life would be better for everyone if they were just gone. My dad wasn’t like that. Everyone loved him, he fit in wherever he went and to this day I believe he thought the world revolved around him.

I used to blame myself for him dying. I thought there was something I had done that set him off and he was just fed up with all of us. After the initial shock wore off, I fell into a deep depression. I missed the myth of my dad because thats all I ever had. I didn’t know who my dad was as a person, I only knew what I saw across the table at visitations, from stories my grandmother or just images that a little girl made up in her head. None of them were true but its how I got through life.

I spent many years blaming myself for him dying. I tried to find ways to explain that it wasn’t a suicide but that someone had come in and hurt him, he was after all not the most savory of individuals. I suppose it felt better to know that someone had killed him than to come to terms with the fact that he killed himself.

After I got over trying to explain away his suicide I became very angry at him. Angry that after 17 years of not being there, he killed himself and wouldn’t be there for me ever. I also came to terms with my childhood and the not so good things that happened to me and my sisters.

It’s been almost 14 years since he passed now and as an adult I can look back on those years I spent with my father and realize that his passing had nothing to do with me at all or anyone other than him. I’ve gone from shock to depression to denial to anger and finally to forgiveness. I know I have to forgive him for all that he has done including killing himself. I talk to family and they all seem to remember a different person than I knew. After many nights of trying to figure this all out I know that basically my dad never grew up. He never stopped being a teenager living out his youth. He never understood that he had four little girls who needed their dad and to this day still need a dad. My sisters and I weren’t given a great life by our parents but we made it to adulthood and now all that matters is what we do with our lives. Our parents sins aren’t our burden and his death isn’t my fault.

I know that the 10th was a day to prevent suicide but there are other victims of suicide and they are often forgotten, the people who are left behind. I normally post a picture that reminds me of the topic I’m blogging about but I don’t have really any pictures of my dad, I barely remember what he looks like. I do remember growing up with my grandparents and what my sisters and I had to go through. So today, I’m posting a picture to remember those times because suicide effected us too.

(Sorry Ashley, you must have been on the toilet or something)

What I love

I love my daughter and my niece. I love sitting in my front yard at night watching my puppy play in the grass and try to catch bugs while I blog on the Internet. I love having my windows open in the fall and feeling the cool breeze come in while I’m cuddled with my Baby Bird Girl.

I love making dinner for my family and they actually love it. I love feeding them more healthy and seeing the difference in all of us. I love sitting at the dinner table with them and enjoying each other.

I love having a backyard for her to play in. I love seeing her lost in her own world and using her imagination to the fullest. I love her.

I love her goofy sayings. I love her passion for music. I love how ditzy she can be and listening to her giggle at herself. I love her.

I love being able to fix up my home. I love knowing what it was and what I made it into. I love owning it and knowing that I have a part of a dream I’ve had since I was little. A dream my grandma wanted for me.

I focus sometimes too much on the bad and not enough on the good. I have to change this and I have to start living for my family. I don’t want to worry about so many stupid things anymore. I’ve done a good job changing some of the things I wasn’t happy with and I just have to continue doing that.